feed the birds.

This gosh darn old AF gal knew it all along when she used to sing it to us…FEED THE BIRDS.

I loved that old lady. I wanted her life. And I thought the dad was a such a dick the whole time, which I guess you were supposed to. But he was a HUGE dick in this part like JUST LET THE KIDS FEED THE DAMN PIGEONS. LET THEM FEED THE BIRDS.

Pigeons are my favorite. Don’t even start with me.

But I love all birds! Birds are fun. First of all, they’re everywhere. They are all around us: city, country, mountain, river, on top of a tall building, they don’t give a SHIT. Since they’re everywhere, they can help you connect to nature at any given moment. Even on a very busy city street you can hear a chirp chirp chirp of a little house sparrow and you’re like, “Okay. This isn’t humans-only. I can deal.”

In these depressing times I have been looking out the window a lot. LIKE A LOT, A LOT. I know everyone is, because there are memes about looking out the window. A lot of memes. LIKE A LOT, A LOT. But one important thing I’ve had more time to look at are birds. AND I AM ALL ABOUT THE BIRDS. And I want to feed the birds.

meet the birds.

There is a cardinal that lives on my block. I believe there is only one bright red cardinal that you would think of as like a CARDINAL cardinal on my block and it is the boy one that is the boss around these parts. We have seen two lady OR juvenile ones. They could be either, we aren’t professionals and we don’t really know. A cardinal sound is the only sound I can recognize by sound and I hear it start at the same time every morning and it goes on and on the whole day through.

There is also a pretty consistent mourning dove that perches on the electrical wire thing outside my front windows. Oh I can also recognize that one by sound. But it makes me want to fall asleep. But it’s also calming. I guess it’s fine.

Yesterday I spotted a bluejay! I just saw the flash of its tail. I didn’t know what sound they make so I looked it up. Now we know. Spoiler: They sound like screech-y dickheads.

Along with these brighter bird stars are the less glam house sparrows and the sadly named starlings. House sparrows are cute and seem sweet but mostly they’re just basic. They’re the basic bitches of the bird world. Like they’re fine but there are a lot of them and you can’t tell them apart. There are actually a ton of types of sparrows that look exactly like house sparrows but they’re technically different kinds. I don’t have time for their bullshit. They all have the same feathers and got their hair done at the same place IF YA FEEL ME.

Starlings are an invasive species and I feel bad for them because it’s not their fault, forgive them for their fathers’ sins and all that, but they do pick on other birds and I don’t like their tone. They also keep boning constantly in the tree behind my house while I’m trying to eat breakfast and frankly it’s disrespectful.

Okay a Google search of both starlings and house sparrows dug up a ton of hot goss on them both and it’s not pretty so we’ll have to explore that another day. They both seem like total assholes and can be the bad guys in this story. Every story needs bad guys!

feed the birds.

Now that you’ve gotten a preview of the cast of bird characters, I’m going to tell you how to feed the birds.

Birds like bread…I think. I ordered a suet thing from Amazon and a little holder to hold it and I was all excited about it but some piece of shit person stole it from the front of my house. I hope they stole that box and opened it and were pissed it was bird stuff. No one likes bird stuff like I do. This piece of shit person probably never even realized that birds even exist. Let’s kick them.

Anyway I was super depressed due to the stolen suet and pretty much could not be consoled for hours. Finally I realized we had a stale Portuguese roll from EXTRA Supermarket so I broke it up into bird sized pieces and put it on the fire escape. I was desperate. I wanted to view birds and become one with birds and eventually become an actual bird so I could fly out my window and far, far away from here.

Birds came! Birds came to eat it. Some sparrows came, that was pretty much it. But it was a start. A squirrel also stopped by and I had to shoo it away. I like squirrels but THIS WASN’T FOR OR ABOUT THEM. By morning, all of the small pieces of bread were gone.

Was it birds? Was it squirrels? WAS IT WIND?! I don’t know but I did know that I had to get to Target early this morning and get some god damn birdseed immediately.


So I got it. Brought it back.

(These aren’t real birds)

Poured it into an old cookie sheet because I don’t have a bird feeder and neither did Target.

Put it on the fire escape…


Only a squirrel came at first. It was pissing me off so I gave it some peanut butter to get it out of the way. I didn’t mean for it to take the tiny plastic container I put the peanut butter in. I thought it would lick the peanut butter out, like how a dog or cat would. I don’t know squirrels’ lives. I don’t know squirrels at all because it snatched it up and ran into a tree and down the street and out of my life forever.

Squirrel vid.

I know this is bad for squirrels, the environment, and the delicately balanced ecosystem. I promise not to do it again. It’s a desperate time and we all make mistakes. I’m sorry.

After I drove the squirrel away I set up my phone to get some video, and let it sit for 60 minutes. Almost nothing happened…but at the end the cardinal came and sat in the tree for a moment and thought about eating the bird seed! It also made cardinal sounds, so maybe it was alerting others to a new food supply. I hope it comes back tomorrow!


I look forward to updating you on the full cast of birds during this time of boredom and crisis.

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