on losing stuff.

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Do you lose stuff often? I do. Do you have any advice on how not to lose everything all the time? I don’t.

Why do I lose everything? Is something wrong with my brain? Is there a missing space that isn’t filled in with memory and it’s just a black hole and all of my ability to not lose things is sucked into it and completely eliminated? Am I moving too quickly through the world and not taking a moment to check for everything? But who has this many moments to check for things every 5 seconds?! I have shit to do! Am I just an idiot?

Everything I ever really need to survive and make it through the day (phone, wallet, keys) I have lost at least 3 times. I’m all too familiar with that roller coaster drop feeling in my stomach, the cool sweat that breaks out and the shiver of panic that shakes through my whole body. The world goes silent and blurry for a moment and I come to the realization…something is LOST. An empty space in your bag where you expected your wallet to be, an empty hand where you can’t help but still feel the weight of your phone. Then you have some kind of Pavlovian response to use your phone to find your phone, and you reach for it to dial. But you can’t. You reach out into mocking empty space. Because you lost your phone.

One time I left my phone in a taxi in middle of nowhere Pennsylvania. I went to FarmAid with some pals and we did the stuff and had the things and then the next morning I was like wait where is my phone? I’m surprised it took until the next morning to realize. There must have been a real overload of stuff and things.

Long story short it took me AT LEAST two weeks to get my phone back because the (very kind!) man that mailed it back sent it via the kind of mailing where they literally put it onto a snail’s back and tell it what direction to go. And I was dying without my phone. 100% dead. And it was my fault.

Another time I flew back into La Guardia from a shoot in Texas for a short weekend in Philadelphia for my sister in law’s bachelorette party (woo!) and arrived at my parents’ house in western New Jersey, hung out with them a little bit and then got packed up, then my dad drove me HALFWAY TO PHILADELPHIA until I realized I. Did. Not. Have. My. Wallet.

My poor dad, who is used to a lifetime of shenanigans, had to haul me up the turnpike while I was (probably, I’ve blocked a lot of this out) sobbing and on hold with the airline. The worst part was this was a HUGE wallet. Like one with space for a checkbook. I had no business having this huge wallet but also how the heck did this huge wallet even get lost?! I don’t know. And I never will.

Things worked out okay and they found it on the plane and we got it after I answered no less than ONE MILLION questions at La Guardia because “security,” and I made it almost on time for the bachelorette festivities (woo!) and wore a fun dress and my brother and sister in law are married to this day with two badass children.

My issue, I think, as I’m going through this, and writing it down and genuinely exploring my behavior, is that I always leave my purse unzipped. I think it’s easier to get to things that way? BUT ALSO EASIER TO LOSE THINGS SHAN, YA DUMBASS. My mom always tells me to zip my bag, random ladies on the street, police officers, the guy that makes my iced salted caramel mocha with skim at Starbucks, the bartender at Pet Shop, all of these valuable people in my life also tell me to zip my bag. And I thank them.

But I don’t zip my bag.

Today I set off on a journey to the Finger Lakes via Brooklyn and on the first leg of the trip, where I’m carrying 3 bags and have a cold so I don’t feel great and hate everything already, I got off the (BULLSHIT! STUPID! UNBEARABLE!) NJ Transit Light Rail shuttle bus from MLK, waited at LSP for 20mins, got on the light rail, got off at Exchange Place, AND DIDN’T HAVE MY WALLET (if you don’t live in Jersey City you don’t know what these transportation acronyms and complaints mean but just know that I traveled on two forms of vehicle and was away from my house for about 45mins).

Today’s lost item

I felt the sick roller coaster feeling, the cold shiver of panic. I started to get outraged but then I took some breaths. This sounds ridiculous and corny but breaths are a thing that can work and thank goodness they work for me or else I would kick everyone.

Retracing my steps back to the LSP stop, I approached the NJ Transit employee overseeing the (STUPID!) shuttle bus (for what it’s worth the shuttle buses do SUCK but they try to make you feel like they care by having helpful employees around so that is a win in a way).

As I approached the employee, I tried a new method where I really pushed myself to have hope and stay calm so I wasn’t mean to this man just minding his own business and doing his job and I think that was real growth on my part.

He radioed the bus driver and couldn’t reach him at first, the panic was building. Finally the bus that I was on pulled up and they went in and they searched with flashlights which seemed a little dramatic and I started to get embarrassed but then they found it! VICTORY LET’S GET THIS SHOW ON THE ROAD.

Live update of my purse as I wrote this down on the subway:

Some gals never learn.

stefani the hermit crab.

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Stefani is a hermit crab, she’s named after Gwen Stefani of No Doubt and The Voice and married to Gavin Rossdale and then that other not as cool country singer guy fame. And that is all.

JK that is NOT all because Stefani is awesome and hermit crabs are pretty cool pets, although some stuff on the internet says they shouldn’t even BE pets and they should be free to live out in the hermit crab world and I think that’s fair, but I guess anything shouldn’t really BE A PET if that’s the case. Why do we even “have pets”? Who even invented pets anyway? That’s for another day…

Anyway I’m a responsible pet owner and a Google search fiend so I looked up everything about hermit crabs after I brought Stefani home. Did you know that they need both salt water and fresh water? Did you know that their cages, also known as “CRABITATS” (hehe) need to be humid/moist at all times or they will get dehydrated AND DIE? That they need extra shells around to choose from to switch into and they shouldn’t ever have a shell with paint on it because the paint could be POISON and they could DIE?!

During this initial Google search period and subsequent supplemental Google searches I came across many things you can expose a hermit crab to or deprive a hermit crab of AND THEY WILL STRAIGHT UP DIE. So their little lives are really full of constant and precarious danger and there’s nothing we can do about it besides stay 100% vigilant at all times.

The story of Stefani is that one day I went to Point Pleasant with my old roommate and I partook in some adult recreation so I was feeling pretty jazzed up and in awe of all creatures big and small so we picked out Stefani in her painted (POISON! DEATH!) ladybug shell from a big CRABITAT (hehe) and took her back to Jersey City.

The car ride was very exciting as we got to know Stefani and there are at least 103 pictures from a variety of angles but I’m going to include just a small sampling here.

Once home, we settled in and Stefani became our third roommate.

During the first few weeks, I thought Stefani was dead at least 57 times. I would set up my phone to capture a video of her, then leave the room for an hour, just to see if she came out of her shell and moved around. Hermit crabs really are hermits. It’s not a lie. They don’t really hang out much.

Here is a poorly compressed video I took of checking to see if Stefani was alive.

But when they do? OH THEY DO. They like to run across the floor and climb around on things and generally get rowdy AF. They’re funny little creatures and I love them. Maybe I should get another one.

Also a poorly compressed .gif of Stefani on the move.

The biggest news is that Stefani is about to be Jersey City Famous! She was one of the pets selected for the annual Kanibal & Co Animals of Jersey City! She’s going to be on AT LEAST a cute custom bandana and I think some other creature merch but I’m not sure what yet and CANNOT WAIT to find out you guys.

It’s this Saturday and Sunday! 9/28 from 11am – 7pm and 9/29 from 11am – 5pm.

I sadly won’t be there because I’m going on a trip to the Finger Lakes this weekend (don’t you worry, I’ll share some pics/thoughts/possible rants?! about that as well), but my boyfriend will be there to represent our family and will be instructed on what information/media/CONTENT needs to be captured for posterity and also for the world to see.

Stop by Kanibal if you’re in JC or close to JC or wanna come to JC, it’s one of my fav places on our fair Mother Earth.

All of this is very exciting, maybe TOO exciting for Stefani because she has gone into a molt phase. It’s kind of weird because she seems dead but she may not actually be dead but she may also be dead. Apparently it would smell terrible if it was actual death and that’s not happening so morale is high. The internet says it can last up to 3 months! Weird. It’s been 1.5 months so far…so hopefully we haven’t lost her, but if we do at least she will have been IMMORTALIZED IN MERCH 4EVER Y’ALL.

target “drop” coverage for you hypebeasts out there.

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Like any basic chick with a (questionably) disposable income and some time on my hands, I love a Target Run (TM).

So last month I read somewhere on this beautiful internet of ours that they were doing a 20 years of designer collabs CELEBRAISH and the DROP was September 14! A Saturday! I could fully attend! It was written in my planner with a corresponding sticker! But then I went to Jane-a-palooza (I’ll explain another day) and hung out with my boyfriend instead.

I finally attended Target church this past Sunday, a full week and a day after this “drop,” and as expected the remaining selection at Target of Jersey City was pretty slim…BUT not as slim as it has been in the past.

Although…in years past I WAS able to score this Peter Pilotto dress (ripped when I got too fat for it, RIP) in 2014 and this Prabal Gurung dress (surprise, surprise…ripped when I got too fat for it, pour one out) in 2013. If you’re into this sort of shit, like if you’re some kind of FASHION HISTORIAN, here’s a more comprehensive look at the Peter Pilotto collection from Refinery29, and a closer peek at the Prabal Gurung collection from Teen Vogue (I also had the dress in the 3rd pic down! And…it ripped when I got too fat for it…OH THE HUMANITY).

Full disclosure, years ago before Target did these collabs I had no idea who any designers were. I mean, I still don’t, REALLY. I’ve always loved clothes but it’s hard to keep up with stuff and remember who is doing what and everyone’s names and I’m just like, “GIVE ME THE PRETTY THINGZ!” Anyway, this was my first experience with designers like Issac Mizrahi, Anna Sui, Missoni, the dudes (They’re dudes? I should fact check this) mentioned above, the whole thing. I thought it was super cool and since I’m not a rich person I was extra on board with the whole “Design for all” philosophy and throwing the little money I do have at some designer wares.

I felt bad I didn’t go the day of as I had told myself I would, but it’s hard to stay focused in these times. So I went on Sunday and this is my full report. Enjoy…

I wanted all of these little plates and bowls and glasses but then realized that in my move I purchased an excessive, bordering on obscene, amount of little plates and bowls and glasses and I decided I would let these go. But leaving them left a hole in my heart.

I DESPERATELY wanted to get this skirt for my niece but they did NOT have her size and frankly that was rude.

Lily Pulitzer presents me with a personal, heart wrenching, devastating conundrum. I love what they do aesthetically (Bright colors! Flowers! Beachy! A pineapple!), but I can’t get on board…culturally? It just makes me think of the kind of person I try not to be. I think you know what I mean. If you don’t, or if that’s you, I’m sorry. It’s just not me. Sorry Lily. K bye.

I found items in both of these photos fab and fun but I didn’t make note of who made them. If you squint really hard can you see the tags? Well shit, I’ve failed at fashion blogging before I’ve even started…NEXT!

Okay now the real fun starts. These are the ones I chose to try on. We’ve got Rodarte on the left, Missoni in the middle, and Issac Mizrahi on the right. WHO WILL WIN THE GAME OF…DRESSES I TRIED ON IN THE TARGET FITTING ROOM?! (which is new and cute at the JC Target, by the way. I’ll show you a pic at the end).

I love the fabrics and the color of this one but I couldn’t get behind the cut. Also I’m slouching so the fact that it doesn’t look right is 100% my fault and I should be punished. Punished by not getting to possess this lovely dress. Hmmm maybe I’ll go back for it…

I didn’t love the cut of this one either but that didn’t keep me from doing stupid poses in it. You’re welcome. I also really liked the color and the fabric, but I still didn’t feel that great in it. ISSAC I AM SORRY, OK?

PS the worst part was that it felt like it SHOULD have pockets and I kept feeling for the pockets and there WERE NOT POCKETS and the whole thing completely offended my sensibilities. ISSAC I AM SORRY AGAIN BUT NO I CANNOT BUY THIS DRESS.

Last is the Missoni, this one I got! I loved the way it felt and fit, it’s a sweater dress. I have been poking around online for one of their ACTUAL REAL RICH PERSON sweater dresses to purchase via the miracle of consignment and I haven’t quite found the one I want/a worthy deal yet so this will have to do and I think it’s great. Plz hold your applause.

Here it is one more time because I love it and I’m also glad to share that I got a MINI VERSION for my niece because she is 3 years old BUT MAKES IT FASHION. It’s not very pink so I hope she likes it. Okay you may now applaud.

Thanks for playing along and I hope you enjoyed my bonus Sunday “I rolled out of bed and came to try on clothes” hairstyle that I have been perfecting since I was 3 years old and making it fashion.

As promised, this is a photo of the new and much improved JC Target fitting room. I like it. Mostly because there isn’t a fitting room gatekeeper because the less people I need to talk to in a store the better. And fitting room gatekeepers make me feel flustered and awkward because they make you CHOOSE what to take in and that just doesn’t seem right at all.

Do you like Target “drops”/designer collabs? What do you like most about it? What do you like least about it? Are you a fashion purist and think that design should NOT, in fact, be for all? If so, you can get the heck out. See ya.

i hate games

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I hate games. I don’t mean like “dating” games, I hate those too, but that will be dealt with in a separate #shant. People always want to play stupid games and it’s ridiculous and an outrage. There are groups of people that will make a game of literally anything. Oh do you have neon glow bracelets at your party? Do you have empty beer bottles? Both of those things were supposed to be fun and now they are a STUPID GAME. Some kind of improvised ring toss or whatever. Ugh I hate it. 

Maybe it’s because I just hate games, maybe it’s because I’m bad at them, maybe it’s because I want to seem superior to the game playing masses. 

But they are so very annoying. They’re often difficult to figure out simply because I don’t feel like putting in the effort and would rather be doing anything else. To be in a competitive environment makes me sick to my stomach and my heart races and I feel like everyone is judging my every move, waiting to pounce on me and display their knowledge and status in the unspoken game hierarchy and put me in my place. 

And any time I play one it’s merely performative. I’m doing it for the benefit of others. I don’t want to be seen as a “spoil sport” or a “cynic.” Oh sorry I’d rather have an ADULT CONVERSATION and not play the game. I join to appease those around me. My heart isn’t in it and I’m pretending I give a shit about the game. 

The truth is, I don’t give a shit about any game. There are many who are engaged in a constant whirlwind of competition. They always want to be smarter, stronger, funnier, better…and this is in EVERY ASPECT OF THEIR LIFE. They are always competing, never to rest, constantly striving to place themselves just one more notch above the rest, clawing to the top of the pile. The work pile, the friend pile, the laundry pile, the list goes on. 

These people love games. It gives them a socially acceptable reason to gloat, to sneer, to peacock around the room and proclaim their superiority. This is what they live for. And it’s the most annoying thing of all. 

You can’t have a nice no stakes game between friends, it isn’t possible. Because AT LEAST one person in a group of more than three people is going to see this as their chance. Their BIG CHANCE to show how AWESOME they are. The game defines them. It’s their moment to shine. 

And I will stand in the corner and roll my eyes. 

<Googles photo of “Jenga block dangling precariously>

jersey city’s all about downtown street fair is the biggest day of your life – a tribute.

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Do you like giant sangria? Do you like beer gardens and live music? Do you like local art and local jewelry and bacon wrapped sausages and streets full of people and additional random ephemera that I can’t even remember right now? The Jersey City’s All About Downtown Street Fair IS FOR YOU.

Random dinosaur earrings I bought yesterday for no reason.

It’s the best day in Jersey City and across the world, and it happens every September. I’m not sure how many years it has existed but I have been going since 2014 and I think you’re well aware that nothing on this earth truly exists without my awareness so let’s say this was year number 5 for everyone. It’s 2019 now and a lot has changed so I would like to count down through the past 5 years with some PICS.

Let’s start with this year, 2019. My parents’ dog Miles always comes, he is a giant black lab/great dane/boxer and an enormous but terrified monster. He took his first Uber ride and it was adorable but he was in a heightened state of dog panic the entire time. Once we arrived at the street fair he insisted on a number of breaks in the shade.

My parents are adorable and I love to party with them and we always have the greatest time of all time so don’t question our methods. Every year so far it has been a beautiful day and by 4pm or so we get to that point where it’s like you’re so trashed the sky looks super blue and the sun feels super bright and your eyes are kind of sleepy but life is good.

This was the first year we did a little BYOB…wait was that legal?

  • Dress, bags, sunglasses by ban.do

I also like this day so much because it’s so very incredible that I can convince friends from Manhattan/Brooklyn/The Moon to come to New Jersey and that is a beautiful thing. (3/4 of the people below are from Jersey City at this point but just trust me on this one).

Moving on, let’s check out last year, 2018. I don’t have much description for it besides what I said above. It’s pretty much the same every year and that is part of the beauty. I mainly wanted to showcase my different outfits over the years. K good talk.

  • Firehouse kick
  • Firehouse dog
  • Oh also I had a boyfriend for the first time in 10 years, check us out!
  • That’s a watermelon sangria! Bruce Springsteen t-shirt by Deerdana, shorts by Free People, shoes by Vans, sunglasses by Got-Them-Free-At-A-Bar.com

In Fall 2017 I was having a pretty wild time and also cut my own bangs but those two things had nothing to do with each other so stop it. I resent the implication that “cutting your own bangs” indicates some kind of extreme psychosis. Maybe I just wanted bangs and didn’t want to spend $80 on a haircut. Let me LIVE. 2017 was a hard year for me overall…just in my own mind, nothing really happened, but I still had fun on All About Downtown Day, duh.

Shoes are Vans, romper from Urban Outfitters, haircut by ME (already mentioned that).

  • Friends came from far and wide! It really sucks the friends in, this fest.

Next up is 2016. Between January 2016 and September 2016 I lost a TON of weight, about 60lbs. It was hard as hell and is still hard every.single.day. But I did it you guys and by July-ish of that year I was super pumped on fun outfits and wearing fun outfits and taking pictures in fun outfits so that was cool and quite celebratory to do on this day.

  • Bodysuit from Target, shorts from Urban Outfitters, purse from Coach

As I mentioned above, I lost 60lbs in 2016, so in 2015 I was…60lbs heavier. This would have been fine if I didn’t feel like crap and super tired and hot all the time. I was still cute and I still had fun, but I did only get a pic from the shoulders up. Also – straight hair! WEIRD…I NEVER DO THAT ANYMORE.

And finally, 2014. Who even knows what I was even doing in 2014, but my parents and Miles weren’t there that year. My pals Kim and Caity came over from Manhattan and I took a single pic of them as evidence of their attendance, that is all that survives from that day.

Kim lives in LA now and Caity just got engaged, but we’ll always have All About Downtown.

Did you go to All About Downtown? What did you like best about it? What did you like worst about it? Do you hate it now because you’ve lived in Downtown Jersey City for NOT A DAY UNDER 7 years and you don’t like what’s happened to the place? Did you love it? Did you think it was a nice time to come together and it really showcases what we have as a city BECAUSE WE HAVE A LOT OF COOL STUFF? I don’t know, tell me what you think, if you want.

self care sunday.

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This is Self Care Sunday. With a “Foot Mask” I got at Target. And I thought it was supposed to be worn for 15mins but it was supposed to be worn for AT LEAST 60mins and now I’m not sure it even did anything at all. And that’s all it is. Enjoy.

This was also my first time using my new little tripod and light that I got on Amazon. I got it so I could do silly shit in my living room like this and it worked out pretty well. I look forward to more happy days spent doing silly shit with my little tripod.

it me.

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I’ve dated a lot. I’ve bought a lot of shit. I’ve eaten more pizza and ice cream than you can imagine. I’ve traveled this country we call home and it wasn’t always pretty. I have some stories to tell. Amid the stories/essays/rants/whatever, we’re going to have some fun. Because why the hell wouldn’t we.

I like avocado toast and tutus and flamingos as much as the next girl, so there will be a lot of that.

I’d also like to warn you that there will be a lot of rage. Rage against men, rage against the machine, rage against someone touching my arm on the PATH train or the small of my back at the bar. There’s really nothing too big or small for me to have a full post’s worth of rage about

I’m excited to get started and share my thoughts. I don’t know why I never did this before but I think I was probably being a wimp and thought people would think it was weird.

Well, it is weird. So here we go.