brood x, baby.

It’s BROOD X, BABY! Brood X is back in a big way and they’re ready to crawl around and make some noise and breed and also get eaten by some birds! BROOD X IN DA HOUSE.

On the news I’ve heard them say “Brood ten” but I personally prefer the “Brood EXXX” pronunciation because it’s WAY MORE BADASS and these bugs are BADASS AS FUQ.

I spent some time communing with them this past weekend and I’d like to give you a full report.

First of all, I was super pumped for them to come out.

I knew they were coming because we all did, and I started to think about the last time they were here. When the cicadas came out 17 years ago in 2004 I was 19 years old, between my freshman and sophomore year of college. It was an interesting time. It felt tumultuous but I think I was just dramatic. I remember thinking about what my life would be like now, 17 years from then. And I reflected on it like “the next time these cicadas come, who will I be?” I didn’t think about how old I would be, it wasn’t a number. It was more a…vibe? What would my LIFE VIBE be. I kind of didn’t know. I just wondered.

It’s weird how something that happens periodically can be used to track growth or decline or whatever. The cicadas, the olympics, the seasons. A reference point for a place and a space in time and the person we were at that particular space and place.

Back then I was off school for the summer and working at our community pool as a lifeguard and also teaching cheerleading camp. I definitely had more than one “boyfriend”…IT WAS THE NAUGHTY AUGHTIES. Also I was 19. Like come on. Who DIDN’t have more than one “boyfriend”?!

I remember partying like all night every night and sneaking into the pool we worked at for late night swims. Legit scaling a large fence and running and jumping into the pool. Shh, don’t tell my old boss.

I guess that was probably illegal.

During the day the cicadas took over THE WORLD and crashed into everything and made little kids cry and many dogs ate them and barfed. It was a whole thing.

Back then I tried to think about/remember if I had seen them 17 years before THEN, in 1987, but I only would have been 2 years old so I didn’t remember. Apparently they were around, but more in Long Island. I guess. According to the Internet.

So fast forward to now and I am who I am now and only have one boyfriend (like a real one, no “quotations,” a significant improvement from multiple in quotations ones) and I was excited for them to come back around mostly because I love birds and especially my mom’s chickens and they love to feast on regular-ass end-of-the-summer cicadas so I thought they would be PUMPED to feast on a whole big swarm of them.

It’s part of their cicada strategy! There are so very many of them that they expect to, as a majority, get gobbled up by predators. They “expect” it from like an evolutionary level. I don’t think they really planned this with actual cicada thought processes.

Or maybe they did.

BUT there are so many that even though a ton get eaten there are still a healthy amount of them that breed and produce larvae and the larvae end up underground and the whole party starts again.

Unfortunately there weren’t very many at my parents’ house this time. They live in a river valley and I wonder if that has something to do with it but what do I know. My sister’s house, on the other hand, HAD A TON. And it’s very near the pool I once worked at that also had a ton. Both places are at a high elevation for the area. Maybe that has something to do with it but again what do I know.

Either way I made my parents take me up there so I could see more than the insufficient amount of periodical cicadas I was seeing at their house.

We got out of the car and could hear a low echoing creepy sound. They make the craziest weirdest robot dinosaur alien sound. I don’t even know what it comes from as far as a part of their body generating it but it’s kind of like a weird screech or scream. There are groups of them in trees and grass kind of constantly singing and calling out to each other, but if you pick one up or it flies into you and gets pissed it FREAKS THE HECK OUT. I mean I don’t know if they can get mad, I think they’re just disoriented and screaming out to their pals for validation or whatever.

They seem to have a lot of trouble navigating, overall. They just kind of randomly fly around and bump into stuff. I question whether their freaky red eyes can even see sight. I guess I should Google it.

If I looked up toward the sun, I could see them skittering past in a flutter of translucent wings. In some spots it was a cloud of them, in others just a few random stragglers.

There were a ton of them dead on the road, on the sidewalk, in the swimming pool.

One day we went back to the river at my parents’ house and the Brood X crew seemed to be having a ton of trouble dealing with open water. The dragonflies mocked the cicadas that fell to their demise, their thin wings so wet they could never fly again, screaming as they were swept away by the current.

I used a small stick to save a few, mostly because I wanted to pick them up and check them out. Fish jumped up out of the water to eat the others.

IT WAS A FRENZY.

Overall it was most weird to hear the cicada noise at the beginning of the summer instead of at the end. There are always regular cicadas every summer and I’m sure they’ll be back this year in August, but it’s a very “end of summer” feeling I get when I hear that sound and I had to keep reminding myself it’s still the beginning.

IT IS STILL THE BEGINNING, YOU GUYS.

I’m pretty sure they’re fading away now and they’ll all be dead soon, and the larvae will be safe underground to appear again in 17 years.

Who will we be then?! What will be our life vibe?! How many boyfriends will we have?! WILL THE ACTUAL ALIENS COME TO SAVE US FROM OURSELVES?! I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

meditation in lincoln park.

For me, one of the (frankly…MANY) good things to come out of COVID was getting to meet some new JC gal pals via Jersey City Women’s Collaborative…via Zoom. It’s an awesome group of women and a perfect way to connect with other like-minded gals about the town. Everyone has some kind of cool business or expertise or talent or art or cause and some people have ALL OF THOSE THINGS BECAUSE THEY ARE SUPER HUMAN AND I SALUTE THEM. And this past weekend, it was time to actually meet some of them in person at a meditation in Lincoln Park!

You already know I love Lincoln Park, and now you know I love Jersey City Women’s Collaborative too, so needless to say I was pretty pumped.

But also a little nervous! In-person event etiquette is rusty for all and I didn’t realize COVID’s impact on my social skills at first but I do think that they have definitely suffered. I’m an extrovert in the sense that I’m loud and I’m out there and I need to suck the collective energy from other humans around me to survive, but I also kind of really don’t like people overall and I especially dislike strangers. I don’t love to make small talk. I also have a lot of difficulty hearing…LIKE A LOT…so I usually prefer the written word for interactions. Like if I message with you all the time on Instagram and then don’t really talk to you when I see you at a loud-ass bar or concert or workout class…that’s why. Like I literally CANNOT HEAR YOU and it is MENTALLY EXHAUSTING to try.

Sadly there is another element to my nervousness and it involves caring what other people think. I know…ew. So gross. And I don’t usually care what people think, I really do not. But in a situation where the whole GOAL is to try to make new friends/acquaintances and possibly locate the social jackpot that is a kindred-spirit, a small amount of care must go into considering the thoughts of others. Like really just a “read the room” approach is acceptable here but even that makes me nervous that I’ll do it wrong. Whew. Human-ing is just too much.

Enough about me because I want to tell you about this meditation in Lincoln Park! It was led by Jennifer Wai, Intuitive Consultant. She has an incredibly calming and thoughtful vibe and also has THE BEST HAIR. Not to take it THERE and make it about PHYSICAL ATTRIBUTES, but…love her hair. When I arrived I looked across the park with her awesome hair in mind and when I spotted it I knew which group I should head toward!

This is a creepy photo I took because I didn’t want to be disruptive.

Okay but BEYOND THE HAIR she expertly led us through a really calming and relaxing meditation under a tree in Lincoln Park. We were invited to sit down or lay down and it was Sunday and I had my blanket and I was also very tired so I laid down on my back and looked up at the beautiful tree before closing my eyes.

IT FELT SO NICE.

She talked to us about using nature as a grounding force and how connecting with something alive can help us meditate. LOVE THAT. I personally avoided meditating for many years because I 1 – thought it was silly and 2 – thought I would suck at it. In the past few years I’ve been more open to it and have definitely seen real and valuable benefits, but the suggestion of using something alive/in nature to help in your meditation like COMPLETELY BLEW MY MIND. Which is what is ACTUALLY SILLY because I love nature and I’m always hanging out there anyway so I don’t know why I didn’t think of that.

Oops. Sry.

Jennifer played some music and guided us through the meditation and I will say again that it just felt so relaxing and nice. The park is beautiful right now, and the weather wasn’t perfect but it was good enough. It was SATISFACTORY. We all just relaxed and listened to her voice and connected with nature and when she told us it was done and to open our eyes I felt very warm and fuzzy and float-y.

Oooooo ya.

I SHOULD DO IT EVERY SUNDAY.

But the fun wasn’t over because we got up and headed across the park to do another exercise! I couldn’t wait to see what it was and we found out soon enough when we gathered in a circle in a grove of big ass trees.

We partnered up, and usually partner things make me feel weird. Like in dance classes if there is partner work I will go hide in the bathroom until the class is done learning that part because I don’t want to do it. But for this exercise I was able to partner with a gal I have met via Instagram and I felt like I already knew her and she wasn’t a scary stranger and that was great!

It’s worth pointing out that no one there was actually a scary stranger and I’m just a weirdo. This one’s on me.

After we found our partner, Jennifer passed out some neat little blindfolds and told us that we would be taking turns being blindfolded and led around by our partner to a particular tree. Our partner would also try to disorient us by spinning us around. We would then be expected to touch, smell, hear, etc the tree. Also, and this is my favorite part, we were instructed to “Ask the tree for information.” AND I FELT LIKE I HAD BEEN WAITING MY WHOLE LIFE TO BE GIVEN PERMISSION TO ASK A TREE FOR INFORMATION AND I COULD NOT CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT. After getting to know the tree we would be led back to our starting spot, take off the blindfold, and try to ID which tree around us we had just had a moment with.

Whoa.

I didn’t think we’d be able to do it! I went first as the Blindfolded, and my new pal guided me around. It was super weird to not be able to see and totally freaked me out…so that was tough. But I met my tree soon enough and I hugged it and explored its surface with my hands and smelled it and spoke to it and ASKED IT FOR INFORMATION. Then we did the whole thing again with my partner blindfolded and me guiding her.

And guess what? WE ALL FOUND OUR TREES. IT WAS NUTS. MY MIND WAS BLOWN.

My tree friend is in the middle! 💕

What a cool exercise! I kind of want to go back and make my friends or my mom or my boyfriend do it with me. She DID let us keep the blindfolds…

It was an outstanding and memorable event and a perfect way to spend a Sunday, so thank you very much Jennifer Wai and Jersey City Women’s Collaborative. I’m looking forward to the next event, a summer clothing swap at Canco Park 6/12 at 1pm. Maybe I’ll see ya there!

flat rock brook birds of prey presentation.

This past weekend, during what I considered my birthday weekend and therefore an extension of my birthday, I attended a Flat Rock Brook birds of prey presentation in Ercel Webb Park.

IT WAS INCRED. I love birds and birding and all things bird and have been waiting for the opportunity to see one of these presentations. I saw their recent presentations at Lincoln Park and another park I forgot on social media and couldn’t wait for the chance to go to one myself.

THIS WAS MY CHANCE.

I do think that these presentations are probably intended for children and like…FINE. But I signed up and I went and I saw some birds and you’re never too old to learn something new and hang out with birds. Deal with it.

On Saturday afternoon I headed over to Ercel Webb Park and I was super pumped. First of all in my mind this particular park was called “Lafayette Park” because it’s by Lafayette Pool/Aquatic Center/whatever. I feel like I have even referred to it as “Lafayette Park” and other people have known what I was talking about.

It’s not called “Lafayette Park.” Sorry.

JK I LOOKED IT UP AND IT IS REFERRED TO AS “LAFAYETTE PARK” IN A LOT OF PLACES ON THE INTERNET. There must be some kind of transfer of power/responsibility going on but I’ll have to look into that another time because THIS IS ABOUT THE BIRDS. But PS “Friends of Ercel Webb Park” helped get this event going and introduced the birds and bird pros.

As I was walking over I saw two hawks flying over MLK Drive. I am NOT LYING, they were there. I don’t know what kind but I DO know they weren’t seagulls or turkey vultures because I checked. I CHECKED. So I was super pumped that I saw some birds on my way to see more birds.

When I arrived at the park I saw that they had a cute little pumpkin patch set up for the kids. Since I AM a kid and I had registered myself for the event I took a pumpkin and I don’t regret it. I love pumpkins.

They provided Thanksgiving stickers to put on the pumpkin which I felt was very inclusive and respectful to this most valuable but often ignored November holiday. Great work!

After securing my pumpkin and stickers I proceeded to an open area where there were circles spray painted on the grass, 6ft apart. This was the first place I saw circles like this in person! I’ve seen pics of them doing it in parks in NYC but never experienced it for real and I liked it.

I laid out my blanket, put some turkey stickers on my pumpkin, and took out some knitting to work on while I waited impatiently for the birds to be revealed.

They really built up the suspense with the bird reveal because they had the birds in dark boxes! I’m no expert but I do know that birds feel safe and calm and probably like it’s time to take a nap when they’re in a dark, enclosed space. My pet budgie really likes it and I think he’s qualified to tweet for all birds.

It felt like actual years went by but it was finally time to take the birds out and I’ll tell you all about what I learned!

tilly – eastern screech-owl.

Tilly the Eastern Screech-Owl was napping HARD when they took her out of her box. Since she’s nocturnal it was during her sleep time.

Tilly ended up with Flat Rock Brook because she got attacked by a cat and is blind in one eye. She wouldn’t be able to live her badass screech owl life in the wild, so she lives a badass screech owl life as a bird ambassador and I think that seems okay with her.

During Tilly’s time in the spotlight she started to wake up and move around a little and she was really, REALLY cute.

But also a fierce predator that dines on small rodents and insects. YUM.

Toward the end they played a screech owl sound for us. They said they were going to play it before they played it and I was like “OMG Tilly is gonna LOSE IT!” because that’s what my pet bird does when I play pet bird sounds.

Tilly did not lose it and actually didn’t even notice. I guess she’s just too cool for school.

titus – american kestrel.

Titus, on the other hand, LOST IT. As soon as they took him out of his little box he was yelling and flapping and seemed completely outraged.

Sorry I couldn’t get a good pic of Titus but he was a lovely bird.

Kestrels as a species maybe get a little outraged sometimes, I’m not sure. They’re a type of falcon and were described as “feisty.” They’re common in cities, so be on the lookout!

I also learned that Titus was hit by a car and had one wing that didn’t heal correctly so he couldn’t be released back into the wild. Because he can’t fly. HE IS A BIRD AND CAN’T FLY. HOW RUDE OF THE WORLD.

Honestly I think he’s still pretty pissed about it and I guess I would be too.

jones – red tailed hawk.

Jones! Hello! I love you!

Before they took Jones out they were like, “Just want to warn you, this thing is huge.” And they took her out and SHE WAS HUGE.

I’m used to seeing these guys in the sky in the field behind my parents’ house, up in tall trees at Lincoln Park, and in every state I’ve ever traveled, soaring over the highway. They’re all around!

But it’s super nuts to see one so close because they are ENORMOUS. So large and beautiful and perfect and asking to be my best friend.

Sure!

Loving. It.

Poor Jones was shot by a shotgun and honestly if I remember correctly I have met other hawks that were similarly disrespected. LIKE WHY?!

Additionally Jones has a female Red-tailed Hawk friend named Ramona she lives with, and SHE got hit by a car. I’m so glad there’s a place for the birds to live that will take care of them and watch out for them and also bring them out into the community to hang out with me and other children.

josephine – great horned owl.

Josephine the Great Horned Owl was hurt by garbage humans in a slightly different way. She was found as an owlet, and because she was very, very young, she imprinted on the (not owlet professional caregivers) people that were taking care of her and never learned how to live that owl life.

So now she needs human assistance to live some kind of owl/person hybrid life. SHE IS LIVING A LIE.

But she was very beautiful. VERY. And the most amiable of all the bird ambassadors, I guess because she was the most comfortable around humans and/or didn’t feel like taking a nap like Tilly.

They talked a bit about bird body language with Josephine, I think as a way to highlight how comfortable she seemed compared to the other guys. She really was just hangin out, owling around. And stuff.

I study my pet bird’s body language very closely and I think he wants me to get out of his face most of the time so I found this part very interesting.

And then it was over! It went by so fast! It also started to get cold as the sun went behind the buildings around the park, so I was ready to pack it up and go home.

I can’t wait for there to be another bird presentation in a local Jersey City park. I don’t care if it’s the same birds and bird pros and the same presentation with the same information, I will go INFINITE TIMES.

MAYBE I’LL SEE YOU THERE.

notable animal residents of jersey city: canada geese.

It’s possible you refer to these notable animal residents of Jersey City as “Canadian” geese. It’s actually “Canada” geese, if you want to be a dick about it.

I want to be a dick about it.

Canada geese are everywhere, in Jersey City and across the whole state and also in New York and Pennsylvania and possibly beyond that. They have taken over this land. And unlike their human countrymen they are mean as hell.

Beyond outraged.

They use the bathroom all over everything. The sidewalks, the roads, the grass. Our high school sports fields were fully defiled by them. I used to have to do cartwheels and back handsprings through through those fields. DO YOU THINK I LIKED PUTTING MY HAND ON GOOSE SHIT BY ACCIDENT BECAUSE I DIDN’T.

Some places (ahem, Brooklyn) have resorted to hunting them with dogs. They have literally released the hounds. Or maybe it was like sheep dogs? These geese got straight up Lassie-ed. If by “Lassie-ed” you mean ripped to shreds by a carnivore.

Okay after I looked this up I found that the Lassies and the actual killing of geese were two separate things. In 2009 geese in Prospect Park were capture and killed by gas and thrown in a dump. Which is heartbreaking and way less badass than a noble death by a natural predator. I’m pretty sad about it.

The problem is, they ARE invasive. Like they always were around some of the time, but only when they were migrating. Then one day they were like “omg we honkin’ heart the tri state area let’s stay FOREVS.” And then they did.

And honestly, I love them. I love them like I love all birds and all animal life that can thrive within a city, because seeing that animal life makes me happy.

But they ARE straight up dicks. They are PISSED OFF. They DO NOT LIKE YOUR TONE. Mostly I think they don’t want people by their babies and/or nests but they act like dicks even when it’s not baby season.

K see ya.

Speaking of baby season, it’s baby season now! These cuties! For a couple of weeks every spring, Jersey City residents forget how annoyed they are by Canada geese and they turn into local celebs.

They march their little families all around the town – through Newport Green, across the whole length of Liberty State Park, in a murky puddle on Marin Ave. They’re everywhere! I don’t really know their habits for sure but they seem to be in committed couples and sometimes the parents have two batches of chicks with them that are two different ages. This seems like a bold family planning strategy for a goose couple to take on and I salute them.

For the past couple of days I have been practicing this camera and taking pictures of my Canada goose pals. I hope you enjoy them as much as I do. If not I don’t know what to tell you.

secular easter.

In this family, the family of me, we celebrate secular easter. And we love it!

Love it!

personal history.

As a younger kid I didn’t think much about easter beyond a basket of candy and wearing a cute dress and a fun hat. And egg hunts! LOVED IT. We did go to church some years because my parents were in a like, “going to church to maybe make some friends phase,” but I never really paid attention in church and didn’t see it as more than a social event/public place to show off the aforementioned cute dress and fun hat.

When my pre-teen and teenage years came around, we were always on the road for easter! Spring Break! We were in Florida, Hawaii, Myrtle Beach…wherever. It was fun AF. On the actual day of easter we’d just be like, “Let’s eat candy in our bathing suits, cool cool cool.”

In college, easter fell within our “spring break,” but as a cheerleader I didn’t have a spring break and we would just practice for hours and hours on end every day and almost die. It was a great time to bond as a team but did not have any kind of holiday vibe, besides maybe some candy.

After I graduated and moved to Jersey City, my parents would come visit and we would do a “spring brunch.” We didn’t get to do a “spring brunch” this year and I’m still feeling pretty sad about it. In past years it was often the first time of the year we got to go to a restaurant and eat outside. Sometimes it would still be cold but we would walk there and the sun would be shining. Nature deserves to have a day or two (or 20) devoted to celebrating and enjoying it, and I think this was a perfect day to do that.

I’ve always taken special care to emphasize the fact that our “spring brunches” are completely and totally secular. I don’t want anyone to think I’m celebrating a Christian holiday…because I’m not. It doesn’t seem right! I don’t believe in it at all so what’s the point?

I prefer secular easter. Completely separated from any religious meaning, at least to me. Maybe some of the traditions even began as religious ones, but now I have them and I’m crediting them to nature and science. It’s nice to celebrate “spring” as a whole and to focus on flowers and birds and eggs and bunnies and rebirth and all the springtime symbolism that comes from nature.

But on my end it’s really just an admiration and appreciation for the natural order of things, not a deifying of any of these elements of nature. That wouldn’t seem right to me either. Meaning right to me FOR MY OWN LIFE. You can deify whatever you want as long as it doesn’t mess up my day in some way.

high five from american gods regarding secular easter.

Last year I came across an episode of the show American Gods, ON EASTER, by chance, and it really gave me something to smile about as far as easter/celebrating spring goes.

Kristen Chenowith (always adorbs!) plays the goddess Ostara, one of the “old gods” as far as the storyline in the show (and book…I think). This god also goes by “Easter,” ever heard of it? The protagonists go to visit her and she’s having a big spring party and there are bunnies and flowers and HATS. OH MY GOSH…the hats. But there are also a bunch of longhaired dudes there, aka different representations of “jesus.” According to the plot of the show, it seems that the Christian version of celebrating spring and easter has overtaken the older, closer to nature ways, and the main characters kind of convince Ostara to take BACK easter from “jesus,” AND OH, DOES SHE.

Spring dinosaurs in bow ties actually LITERALLY walked the earth. Look it up.

I was super pumped on this episode and SUPER INTO IT. After it was over, I Googled the HECK out of it. I found a few things on the internet that were like “Yeah people worshipped that gal,” “One of the Brothers Grimm made it up,” “There isn’t conclusive evidence either way.” So I don’t know if she is REALLY REAL.

But I still like her. As an idea! Even if she IS real in the sense that people DID worship her, I see her as more of a symbol, a metaphor to explain the spring fling things that are already happening. An attempt to be connected to the earth and the natural order in a special way. They didn’t have science or the internet in olden times, they had to invent their own shit and explanations.

Now we know better.

this year’s secular easter.

As an atheist, I don’t believe in anything. But I DO like stories. And I enjoy the pagan stories much more. They’re more fun! More colorful! The gods get into HI-JINX!

Getting into our own hi-jinx. Unhhh.

Anyway, I really enjoyed the secular easter this year, even though I was still sad I couldn’t go to “spring brunch” with my parents.

We colored eggs…

The easter bunny came…

Omg who put this here?!

And we ate candy and wore hats.

Then we finished the whole thing off with a nice dinner and also banana pudding and waffles, together in taco form.

I’m glad it’s spring and the world has woken up and I can’t wait to go outside.

PLEASE LET ME GO OUTSIDE TO FULLY COMMUNE WITH NATURE I AM LOSING MY SHIT.

feed the birds.

This gosh darn old AF gal knew it all along when she used to sing it to us…FEED THE BIRDS.

I loved that old lady. I wanted her life. And I thought the dad was a such a dick the whole time, which I guess you were supposed to. But he was a HUGE dick in this part like JUST LET THE KIDS FEED THE DAMN PIGEONS. LET THEM FEED THE BIRDS.

Pigeons are my favorite. Don’t even start with me.

But I love all birds! Birds are fun. First of all, they’re everywhere. They are all around us: city, country, mountain, river, on top of a tall building, they don’t give a SHIT. Since they’re everywhere, they can help you connect to nature at any given moment. Even on a very busy city street you can hear a chirp chirp chirp of a little house sparrow and you’re like, “Okay. This isn’t humans-only. I can deal.”

In these depressing times I have been looking out the window a lot. LIKE A LOT, A LOT. I know everyone is, because there are memes about looking out the window. A lot of memes. LIKE A LOT, A LOT. But one important thing I’ve had more time to look at are birds. AND I AM ALL ABOUT THE BIRDS. And I want to feed the birds.

meet the birds.

There is a cardinal that lives on my block. I believe there is only one bright red cardinal that you would think of as like a CARDINAL cardinal on my block and it is the boy one that is the boss around these parts. We have seen two lady OR juvenile ones. They could be either, we aren’t professionals and we don’t really know. A cardinal sound is the only sound I can recognize by sound and I hear it start at the same time every morning and it goes on and on the whole day through.

There is also a pretty consistent mourning dove that perches on the electrical wire thing outside my front windows. Oh I can also recognize that one by sound. But it makes me want to fall asleep. But it’s also calming. I guess it’s fine.

Yesterday I spotted a bluejay! I just saw the flash of its tail. I didn’t know what sound they make so I looked it up. Now we know. Spoiler: They sound like screech-y dickheads.

Along with these brighter bird stars are the less glam house sparrows and the sadly named starlings. House sparrows are cute and seem sweet but mostly they’re just basic. They’re the basic bitches of the bird world. Like they’re fine but there are a lot of them and you can’t tell them apart. There are actually a ton of types of sparrows that look exactly like house sparrows but they’re technically different kinds. I don’t have time for their bullshit. They all have the same feathers and got their hair done at the same place IF YA FEEL ME.

Starlings are an invasive species and I feel bad for them because it’s not their fault, forgive them for their fathers’ sins and all that, but they do pick on other birds and I don’t like their tone. They also keep boning constantly in the tree behind my house while I’m trying to eat breakfast and frankly it’s disrespectful.

Okay a Google search of both starlings and house sparrows dug up a ton of hot goss on them both and it’s not pretty so we’ll have to explore that another day. They both seem like total assholes and can be the bad guys in this story. Every story needs bad guys!

feed the birds.

Now that you’ve gotten a preview of the cast of bird characters, I’m going to tell you how to feed the birds.

Birds like bread…I think. I ordered a suet thing from Amazon and a little holder to hold it and I was all excited about it but some piece of shit person stole it from the front of my house. I hope they stole that box and opened it and were pissed it was bird stuff. No one likes bird stuff like I do. This piece of shit person probably never even realized that birds even exist. Let’s kick them.

Anyway I was super depressed due to the stolen suet and pretty much could not be consoled for hours. Finally I realized we had a stale Portuguese roll from EXTRA Supermarket so I broke it up into bird sized pieces and put it on the fire escape. I was desperate. I wanted to view birds and become one with birds and eventually become an actual bird so I could fly out my window and far, far away from here.

Birds came! Birds came to eat it. Some sparrows came, that was pretty much it. But it was a start. A squirrel also stopped by and I had to shoo it away. I like squirrels but THIS WASN’T FOR OR ABOUT THEM. By morning, all of the small pieces of bread were gone.

Was it birds? Was it squirrels? WAS IT WIND?! I don’t know but I did know that I had to get to Target early this morning and get some god damn birdseed immediately.

ATTRACTION!

So I got it. Brought it back.

(These aren’t real birds)

Poured it into an old cookie sheet because I don’t have a bird feeder and neither did Target.

Put it on the fire escape…

AND WAITED.

Only a squirrel came at first. It was pissing me off so I gave it some peanut butter to get it out of the way. I didn’t mean for it to take the tiny plastic container I put the peanut butter in. I thought it would lick the peanut butter out, like how a dog or cat would. I don’t know squirrels’ lives. I don’t know squirrels at all because it snatched it up and ran into a tree and down the street and out of my life forever.

Squirrel vid.

I know this is bad for squirrels, the environment, and the delicately balanced ecosystem. I promise not to do it again. It’s a desperate time and we all make mistakes. I’m sorry.

After I drove the squirrel away I set up my phone to get some video, and let it sit for 60 minutes. Almost nothing happened…but at the end the cardinal came and sat in the tree for a moment and thought about eating the bird seed! It also made cardinal sounds, so maybe it was alerting others to a new food supply. I hope it comes back tomorrow!

Cardinal!

I look forward to updating you on the full cast of birds during this time of boredom and crisis.